(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.