Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s