Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
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Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I wish all tests were things you peed on
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot