SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.