Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.