@markedly

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

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@HavocMantis

Mermaid: a half-fish woman. They are all very pretty, even the ones that don’t conform to human standards of beauty. I love all of them.

Murmaid: a maid who does murder. Some are powerful warriors, and some are stealthy assassins. I love all of them.

@aka_fatman

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

@DaddyJew

My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani

@jazmasta

if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

@joe_binkley

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

@GrantTanaka

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

@Jandalize

Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you’re craving hay with sugar on top.

@withanewname

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

@wesleybordelon

Me: Can I have a quickie?

Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.