Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god