Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER