“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Show me on your wallet where you would like me to touch you.
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The year is 2075.
A student asks how World War 3 began.
The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”
Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym