Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.