Show me on your wallet where you would like me to touch you.

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“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*


The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”


Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.


Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here


[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!


If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.


Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.


Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”


Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym