Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….