Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer