Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
The only equipped I am is ill.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t