@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

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@Hellaphantitis

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

@RotationlSymtry

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

@PyrBliss

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

@Lisabug74

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

@DamienFahey

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

@zgbetty

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.