Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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A hipster so cool he is reading a tree
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.