Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
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Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.