Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
How did we not see this back then?
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell