Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
is this how new cars are made??
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.