Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.