That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
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domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Namaste
Worth remembering.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Botany good plants lately?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.