@WheelTod

“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.

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@rantybot

havent had sex in so long my clitoris is clitorwas

@AtticusFinch79

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

@xLiserx

Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.

@theshantilly

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

@ThePawfessor

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

@AdmiralAkbrown

The trouble with cops is if one’s a douchebag you can’t ask to speak to a manager.

@Lynseyjo1

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

@YoungNobler

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

@TuckerFly1

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.