Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
When I said I liked it rough.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.