Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.