Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Just why bro?!
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day