Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
We need more people like this.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.