Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
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Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Best spot.. 😅
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.