@lafpgh

Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I’m on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn’t Have Married.

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@Nomyzie

We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.

@StevieKnip

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

@bea_ker

Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*

@DaddyJew

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

@JohnHilsen

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@pleatedjeans

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

@neiltyson

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.