Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I’m on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn’t Have Married.

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We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.


Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.


Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*


6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream


Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.


Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?


Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned


Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.