Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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Some guy asked me at the gym what I eat and I just said “idk whatever I want just in moderation” and he goes “oh.. I don’t eat anything for pleasure, I only eat to fuel my body” ok you definitely only asked me so you could say that but that’s cool psycho
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Him: Tell me about yourself.