My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Shower like nobody is watching.
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Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”
Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”
*in unison* “death sentences.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that’s when I was asked to leave Costco.
THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Friend: can I borrow £20?
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Rock, paper, scissors?
-The proctologist removing items from me
As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.