[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans