Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
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The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
That was easy.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.