@TheOnion

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

@Darlainky

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

@hunz74

Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.

@zorgod

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

@oxygenplug

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.