Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
wait.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered