Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her


If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.


Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.


Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She’s my new favorite.


Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.


Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.


i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest


Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do


I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.


scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”