@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

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@fuzzlime

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

@AndyRuther

If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.

@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

@JGrumbie

Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She’s my new favorite.

@TheIronSherk

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

@WildeThingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

@dril

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

@Barknado69

Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do

@Metalligretch

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

@electrolemon

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”