Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
You Might Also Like
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.