@prufrockluvsong

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

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@harriweinreb

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

@placeswewillgo1

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

@TheAlexP

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

@ArfMeasures

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

@emmyblotnick

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

@BromanConsul

GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again

@Marlebean

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

@JohnLyonTweets

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.