boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?
DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.