@prufrockluvsong

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

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@Shade510

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

@KalvinMacleod

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

@English_Channel

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

@RobbyActually

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

@MizzusT

Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*

@TitansHomer

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

@fro_vo

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.