[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.