[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.


[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan


writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth


Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder


Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*


{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.


asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss


I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.