Showerkraut
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Wait a minute…
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.