[Showing a friend around the house]

Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.

*motions to area covered in popcorn.

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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV


[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve


Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*


son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn


can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this


Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.


The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.


Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there


*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*


Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid