@jergarl

[Showing a friend around the house]

Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.

*motions to area covered in popcorn.

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@NurseMurderer

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

@GrantTanaka

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

@NrouteHQ

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

@EJGomez

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

@_squiggz

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@semple42

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

@zephyrs0phie

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

@collinwithtwoLs

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@aytdao

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid