Overindulged this afternoon.
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose