[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Gemma Correll
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”