With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
1. Dial random number.
2. Wait for answering machine.
3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.
4. Hang up.
5. Happy Valentine’s Day.
date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature
me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features
A chicken dinner sounds like a 5th place prize at the most.
DM: I’m 10 inches. Wanna chat?
Me: omg guys, a fetus just messaged me!!