@murrman5

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

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@notalogin

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

@Ygrene

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

@GroovyTasia

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

@SkippyMcGizzard

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

@joshbupkes

that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again

@AbbyHasIssues

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

@shkeeber

1. Dial random number.

2. Wait for answering machine.

3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.

4. Hang up.

5. Happy Valentine’s Day.

@NOTVIKING

date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features

@Sassafrantz

DM: I’m 10 inches. Wanna chat?

Me: omg guys, a fetus just messaged me!!