This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.