@murrman5

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

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@waitfortheQ

This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .

@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

@Be___Dope

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

@msdanifernandez

Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

@ElleOhHell

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

@Elizasoul80

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.