*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
You Might Also Like
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
incredible