*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
A dad and his duck
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.