Needing to “loose” some weight this year isn’t your biggest problem, my friend.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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I am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.