[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
This has made my week.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.