[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.