When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”