When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Damn he played himself