[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.