[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Usage Guidelines
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I’m giving up for Lent.
⛄️
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
FINE, I WON’T.