[showing off my distressed jeans]


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lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner


May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.


Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.


There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.


Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.


Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO


A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.