@FeelingEuphoric

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

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@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner

@Gupton68

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

@LDLevesque

Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.

@HenpeckedHal

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

@Kateness8

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

@SteveKoehler22

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.