(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
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[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber