Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
You Might Also Like
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.