*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

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*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?


PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than


[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails


Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.


One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.


ME: Ugh, the cat left another one by our bed.

HER: He thinks it’s a gift! I’ll clean it up.

ME: It’s fine, I’ll do it. *Carefully scooping up notated articles on how cats were revered in Egypt*


*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*


Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.


When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.


Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.


me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no