@BruceForce

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

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@benorlin

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

@XplodingUnicorn

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

@BazarComedy

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

@ConanOBrien

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

@thedad

ME: Ugh, the cat left another one by our bed.

HER: He thinks it’s a gift! I’ll clean it up.

ME: It’s fine, I’ll do it. *Carefully scooping up notated articles on how cats were revered in Egypt*

@Gupton68

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

@Dani_Feld

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

@UncleDuke1969

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

@heatherlou_

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

@AbbieEvansXO

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no