Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[on phone with debit fraud]
Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all
Me: DUDE IT’S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE
M: Sometimes. Yes
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
“What do we do?”