@internetluke

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

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@HaliPhacks

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

@SortaBad

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

@BromanConsul

I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”

@ItsAndyRyan

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

@Tuna_Lover

I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.

@Bob_Heller

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

@Its_Just_Reese

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

@wienerherzog

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*