@Reverend_Scott

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

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@TheToddWilliams

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

@sophielou

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

@laura_payton

Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.

@BBQJones28

For every chick that’s crying about no good guys out there…there’s a dude she’s ignoring that’s good to her.

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

@JohnLyonTweets

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.