@Reverend_Scott

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

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@AmishPornStar1

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

@dubstep4dads

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

@dumbbeezie

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

@PleaseBeGneiss

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

@Mr_Kapowski

Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea

@joeyellis

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

@LouisPeitzman

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

@spaceboyriley

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

@truegritrumble

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

@climaxximus

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what