*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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I’m just a girl
In a room full of people
Wondering how the hell I managed to miss my chair again
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
A good way to make friends with someone is to break into their house at night and clean it
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
dog: i saw u out there
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
hmmm tastes weird
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp
Sometimes when I say “I’m OK”, what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say “You’re not OK” and hand me $10,000.
21: awesome bro, I got this
30: seriously? whatever
35: this is really getting old
40: WILL YOU MARRY ME
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out