[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot