@edawg_eric

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

- @edawg_eric

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

@Staggfilms

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

@TheMainlandBlog

Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.

@adult_keverage

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

@4SLars

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

@Donnie_Fairburn

Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁