*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
You Might Also Like
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.