*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”