@thatdutchperson

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

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@Darlainky

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?

10: Why?

Me: Why do you think?

10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?

@Hadzilla

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

@panmidwest

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

@dshack8

Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@pittdave13

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

@pabstdriver

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.