*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.