@thatdutchperson

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

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@WillHinsa

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

@vangobot

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

@DanMentos

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

@impaulmccoy

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

@MarieColette

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.