My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
DEFINITELY CANT DUNK ANYMORE
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.