@DaddyJew

*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*

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@oscarewilde

doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants

@kyle_thatisall

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

@ddsmidt

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

@avxlanche

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

@apok842

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

@Browtweaten

Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!

@MissHavisham

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

@WheelTod

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

@AndrewChamings

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him