*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*

You Might Also Like


doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants


The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers


X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…


the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”


It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.


Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!


7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.


My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.


If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him